A Delayed Update
It has been over three years since I updated this blog. I am not sure why I did not choose to write about this journey beside the fact that I did choose to fight privately with my family and friends. It was an unconscious decision, yet a good one. I am not known as one who wears my emotions on my sleeve and yet through these last 3 years, I have learned so much about God, friends, and myself.
I am thinking about starting up my blog again but to not just concentrate on my battle against cancer. During these past three years, I have had the unique opportunity to look into my faith and my personal identity. Facing the possibility of death does something to you and causes you to look at life in a different way.
What happened yesterday
So, it has been a little over three years now since I have had my first fully clear PETscan! Yesterday the streak continued and my doctor came in almost giddy! Yay, God! He showed me his written note: “AWESOME!!!!” in my chart and then on the other page he pointed out the official wording of “Normal scan, no malignancy.” jumped out at me. I hugged him 4 times by the time we ended my appointment.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions and saying goodbye to others who have lost their fight against this terrible monster. Every time I hear of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, my stomach drops a bit because I know that life will forever be different for them.
So What now?
So, Ursula continues to be slain and the grace of God has shown favor toward me and my fight. I am not sure why, but that is also not for me to question.
The question I have been contemplating over the past few months is: “Why am I living as if I am still sick and fighting my cancer treatment?” I have not been in treatment for 3 years and yet the after-effects of the chemo and radiation stuck with me for a long time and I got used to living a life of being “sick”. I have been living in a “habit” of feeling like I cannot do things that I should be able to do because I have been sick. Well, no longer!
I spoke with my doctor about this yesterday. He smiled and said, “Alice, you are in complete remission, you have no reason to live as if you are still sick.” I smiled and it was as if the “expert” was giving me the go-ahead to start really living. I am not sure how or why I got into this mindset (I am sure there is a study out there about this, but will not waste time looking for it. 🙂 ), but I did. As with all habits, I need to break it and start new ones. So, here I go, living a life facing LIFE and not one of mere survival. It is a mental shift that I need to make each day.
This week I was reading Psalm 34 and a few verses jumped out at me:
17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
My righteousness is in Christ’s work on the cross, and God really does answer the prayers of His own, though sometimes not in ways that we would hope for. That does not mean that I will not face other troubles of many kinds. God has shown His faithfulness and his deliverance not only of cancer but also of the fear what will come of this journey. There is way too much to unpack on this subject and I will not bore you with my wonderings on this subject. 🙂 Bottomline: God is FAITHFUL in HIS timing and in HIS plan.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best. . . . WRONG!
I have also come to understand that God did perform a miracle in my body. I have always lived my life to make plans to deal with the worst that could happen and hope that God will not make me live through it or if He does, give me the fortitude to “drudge” through it. What a sad way to look at life! 😦 It also gives me control where God should have it.
My doctor comes in each time with an amazed look on his face each time after I get a PETscan and says, “This is a miracle, Alice. You are one of few in the over 2000 patients I track. There is NO cancer in your body at all.”
In my pragmatism, I have always reacted, “Great, this is good news! Thank you God for holding cancer back, please continue to do so.” But by doing this, I have not acknowledged the healing that God has done in my body and thus questioning God’s work in my life. God has healed me fully! Does that mean that trouble will not come into my life again and it that it may come again in the form of cancer? No necessarily BUT it DOES mean that God did hear my cry for deliverance from Ursula and He did answer YES and healed me! I am learning that I need to acknowledge this deliverance and not wait for the next thing that could come up. I have enough to live through and waiting to see if cancer comes back is just a waste of time, energy and even trust.
So, here is my chance to shift my mindset on a few things. I may or may not continue to write regularly, I cannot guarantee it, but I also wanted to update this site for myself and for those who are wondering what is going through my mind and heart. More to come as I feel the urge to write. 🙂
Thank you all who have been with me on this journey and I look forward to more years together! To GOD be all glory, honor and praise!